DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old son lives with his two girlfriends, who are also romantically involved with each other. They share a single bedroom. One of them has a baby due this week, and the other has made noises about wanting a child.
I don’t approve of this arrangement and can’t see it ending well. I love my son and I have a good relationship with all three of them, but it flies in the face of my upbringing and beliefs.
My question: How do I deal with this threesome if they come stay at my house? I don’t want this going on under my roof, but I don’t know how to assign bedrooms. If it were just two of them in a committed relationship, I could suck it up and put them together, but all three?
I think my son knows me well enough to (hopefully) make that decision before coming here. I’m afraid if I assign bedrooms according to my convictions, it will lead to a falling-out. Any advice? — CONFLICTED DAD IN OHIO
DEAR DAD: Discuss your feelings with your son as soon as he tells you he and his “extended family” want to stay at your home. Explain that what goes on in his dwelling is his business, but in your home, you prefer the three of them (or four, once the baby arrives) not share one room, and let him decide where everyone sleeps. (This would include staying in a nearby hotel or motel during their visit, which might be more comfortable for them.)
DEAR ABBY: After 40 years, I just started talking to my daughter again. I explained why I hadn’t been in her life, which was not at all what her father had told her. He told her I abandoned her and her brother and wanted nothing more to do with them — this is NOT TRUE. Those kids were my life. Now, she can’t understand why her father lied to them all these years.
I have no idea how to comfort her or even build a relationship after all this time. I gave birth to her brother at 15 and to her at 16. Their father was older and very controlling. We live in two different states, which doesn’t help. I have never stopped loving and missing my kids. I have asked multiple people for suggestions, and they have nothing to offer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. — RECONNECTING IN TENNESSEE
DEAR RECONNECTING: It is wonderful that after all these years you have finally been able to make a connection with your daughter. Please, take it slowly, one step at a time. She will need to understand how young you were when she and her brother were born, and the imbalance of power in your relationship with their older (and controlling) father.
Your daughter should know you always wanted her in your life, but that the estrangement was their father’s punishment for you. Reinforce that you never stopped loving, missing or thinking about them and they are part of you. Living in different states may make things more challenging, but you may be able to establish a friendship and visit your daughter in the future.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
