“Welcome to Johnny’s world,” said a receptionist with a disbelieving laugh.
His disbelief was understandable. He was managing an art gallery in Chelsea where Johnny Depp’s work is currently on display.
No, not the special screening of “Finding Neverland” and “Donnie Brasco” – the actual painting of Edward Scissorhands.
I laughed too.
How can you not? The 61-year-old actor’s ego bath, er, exhibition, which opened Friday on West 27th Street, has a comically broad title: “A Bunch of Stuff.”
Points for accuracy. Apart from the painted canvases, the large space is actually filled with a lot of useless stuff: empty Café du Monde coffee cans, typewriters, toy monkeys, a lamp in a wooden shoe and pretentious notes written on the letterhead of the world’s most luxurious hotels. .
I laughed at an ashtray that read, “Dinner without wine is like a day without sunshine,” because Depp reportedly spends $30,000 a month on vino alone.
You get a distinct — and strange — feeling that the “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” star thinks he’s channeling brilliant minds like Dylan Thomas and J.D. Salinger, whose books are scattered around the room.
His copy of Walter Isaacson’s biography of Leonardo da Vinci was particularly misleading.
But much of what hangs on the walls is clearly derivative – from Basquiat to a Mexico City street fair – and elicits no response stronger than “yes.”
A message from Depp on the wall reads, “Some may call it art, some may not.” “I call it mine.”
And, you know, that’s enough for the Hollywood star’s rabid fans, who made up most of the crowd on Friday afternoon.
A pair of Depp-devoted tourists enthusiastically look at the Captain Jack Sparrow voodoo doll prop from the 2011 film “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” which scored 33% on Rotten Tomatoes.
I’m pretty sure some other man and woman out loud “F–k!” Must be shouting. 3 pm was not a connoisseur of water color paintings.
All the Johnnyphiles definitely left messages for the actor on the giant paper guest-book wall. Left by a man who needs a hobby, he said, “I need to catch up.”
The first Depp piece I saw was a white rectangle with Hunter S. Thompson’s quote was “Buy a ticket, ride.”
Many of the actor’s works are simply framed phrases, like motivational posters made for potheads.
Some were spoken by others, but many are philosophical nonsense straight from the star of “The Tourist,” like “Close your eyes and see everything you can’t see.”
But Thompson’s Line was the ideal way to start, since I had spent a whopping $48 for a ticket to “A Bunch of Stuff.”
The next few paintings were self-portraits. Shocking, I know.
The beret-and-sunglasses Depp and a chiseled jaw are “Sleepy Hollow”-era Depp of the 2010s. He also portrayed his children and the late Marlon Brando.
The next cylindrical room begins a series of hairless faces that resemble John Malkovich or Tilda Swinton, depending on your mood.
Next comes his “Death by Confetti” painting with skeletons immersed in colored dots. The clear message is that the highs of celebrity can suddenly overwhelm someone and eventually take them over. The last eight years of A’s Depp.
Still, it’s pretty rich, because star power is the only reason this masturbation exhibition exists.
Our ego trip ends in a black box, in which Depp narrates an animated film of his paintings with insights about his life in a fake Bruce Springsteen campfire voice.
“My whole family thought I was crazy,” he says, surprising no one.
On the way out, I asked another attendant if Depp’s collection was on sale.
“It is and it is not,” he replied.
I took it to mean that if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
But don’t be afraid. In the gift shop, one can purchase a stuffed animal resembling Depp’s dog Mister Mooh, who died in 2009, for $40.
This is the perfect gift for someone who just wants a ton of stuff.
