‘Our Little Secret’ review: Lindsay Lohan’s Netflix movies go from atrocious to only worse

Its one more Vacation with Lindsay.

In her three-picture deal with Netflix, Lindsay Lohan is making brain-blasting seasonal movies through 2022.

There was the unbearable “Falling for Christmas”, in which an injury causes a stuck-up hotel heiress to lose her memory. She is forced to recover at a struggling ski-town bed and breakfast, where the empty-nester learns, with extreme difficulty, to make eggs.

Then, in March, came “Irish Wish”, associated with St. Patrick’s Day. O’Deas. Lohan got an intellectual upgrade by playing a Manhattan book editor who dreams of marrying the brilliant author she works with. At his wedding to another woman in Ireland, an ancient fairy, dressed like Ren Fair Reject, grants his foolish request.

But this week our long national nightmare has ended. I hope. I pray. Her alleged last hurrah for the streamer on Wednesday, called “Our Little Secret”.

It’s no secret how I feel about it: tough pass.

What is Lohan’s man’s problem this time?

While visiting the strict, on-the-nose family of her boyfriend Cameron (John Rudnitsky) for Christmas, her irascible character Avery – similar to the previous two – discovers that her little sister’s new boyfriend is actually her ex, Logan. (Ian Harding). They broke up 10 years ago when she took up a job in London and rejected his ill-timed marriage proposal.

So, the former lovers, after meeting each other, decide to pretend not to know each other in order to protect their promising new relationships.

Screenwriter Haley DeDomininis works like the dickens to turn this little scheme into a coverup of Watergate proportions.

It features an accident involving a dog and a veterinarian, a glitch during a Secret Santa exchange and an outrageous rendition of Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” at a church. But “The Parent Trap” is not like that.

The only lovable addition to Hawes besides Lohan is Kristin Chenoweth as Cameron’s critical, stubborn mother Erica. The “Wicked” actress fits well into such sentimental, over-the-top scenarios and makes us delight — as much as we can, anyway — in the kitchen-table savagery of her Mom From Hell.

But even Kristin can’t make logical sense of all the tonal oddities in this Stephen Herek-directed film.

Although a quick summary reveals that “Our Little Secret” is the simplest and most domestic of Lohan’s trilogy of horror, the devices leading to its conclusion are anything but Hallmark happy: a grandmother’s dementia and the infidelity of a End long term marriages.

No laughter or tears at any of those downers – just disappointment.

Hearing that I was reviewing “Our Little Secret,” a friend asked a smart question: “Why?”

These films don’t aspire to be much in the way of art or entertainment. They’re winter background noise like a mountain of schlock hallmarks and Lifetime airs non-stop for the holidays. Yul logs videos with the actors.

Of course, the answer is Lohan. Whenever one of these things gets released I get amnesia, I think it might be a good thing. My Irish wish is that the actress, a real talent, will make a great comeback. My little secret is that I’m a huge fan.

But three is a turkey. On “Freaky Friday 2”