Dear Abby: I have a lake cabin and love to host friends and relatives. Even though I don’t have any pets, I still like animals and I don’t mind if people ask to bring their dogs, as the ground floor is linoleum which is easy to clean when the inevitable sand and water arrives.
Last year, I invited my niece and her husband over to spend the weekend, and they came with their big, long-haired dog. Even though he didn’t ask in advance, I was fine with it until it was time to go to bed. They brought their dog on the bed with them in the upstairs guest room. I was so surprised I didn’t know what to say.
Dogs have never gone upstairs before, let alone moved around in bed. They either slept downstairs themselves, or their owners brought crates or let the dogs sleep in their cars. After the couple left, I had to deep clean the room to remove the dog hair, which included dusting, vacuuming (it’s carpeted) and washing all the bed linens (comforters, shams, throws, etc.). I usually tidy the room and change the sheets in preparation for the next visitors.
Abby, the couple is coming back to the cabin again, and I think they still have the dog. Should I broach the subject after setting an example during his last visit, or resign myself to additional cleanup? My relationship with this niece is cordial but a little strained due to some past family history, so what is more important – the relationship or a clean room? – Cabin Host in Minnesota
Dear host: They are both important. You can clean a room, but you can’t repair a broken relationship that easily. That said, avoid this dilemma in the future by explaining your house rules to your niece, her husband, and her dog before they come to the cabin again. Ideally, this should have been done after you and your niece had discussed meeting her a second time.
Dear Abby: A friendship of 40 years broke down because he refused to stand up for himself for his wife. She has dominated him throughout the decades of their marriage. Like any narcissist, she managed to separate him from his family and take him to remote places where he did not know anyone. Now she is terminally ill and refuses to allow him to go where his family can help care for him.
His family and I feel the same way. Like any narcissist, he has turned it against me. Along the way, he has made terrible and troubling financial decisions. This is very painful to watch, so I have withdrawn from the friendship rather than support these bad decisions. Was it the right thing to do? – former friend in iowa
Dear former friend: Yes, it was the right thing to do. Since your friend’s wife still controls who can come in contact with her husband, even in his weakened state, you had no choice but to back off. Once he passes, support him. He’s going to need it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jean Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
