Dear Abby: I love helping my friends, my partner and family members. I think it is important to do good deeds in my retirement. My hands are very busy taking my elderly father for medical check-ups, and I also visit him three times a week. I also have elderly single friends for whom I do things, such as delivering meals sometimes and running errands.
Lately, I have been asked to arrange transport to medical appointments for at least three of these friends. One of them is my partner's friend. Still, she expects a lot from me. I feel that taking care of my father and my partner keeps me busy enough. I feel pressured by these other friends. If I refuse them, I feel guilty.
How do I gracefully break up with these people? One of them has insinuated that I'm not a good friend to her if I don't help her get to the doctor, sit with her dog, etc. She never seems to remember past good deeds and likes to start arguments with everyone (she only has one or two friends left). Any advice? — Tired Man in Wisconsin
Dear Tired Man: For some people, the journey from pleasing people to annoying them is just a small step. You've been kind and helpful; now it's time to start helping yourself. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying no to entitled individuals.
The woman you described is one of them, so don't expect her to be grateful for the time and effort you put into her.
Developing the ability to say no is similar to weight lifting. Start small, progress slowly, and in no time, you'll develop muscle. Give it a try. You'll love it.
Dear Abby: My husband and I met on the debate team in high school. We had heated debates about every topic, and I think that was one of the things he loved most about me.
14 years and a few kids later, I no longer have the fire left to debate “oranges vs. strawberries.” Every time I express a simple opinion, he tries to join the debate, but he goes from zero to 100 in a minute and forgets to listen to my opinion.
I've started to “let him win” to shut him up because I don't want to hear it. He gets frustrated when I do this and always says that's what we used to do.
Abby, my priorities have changed. I have become calmer than before and most of my attention is focused on our children. I am tired of the constant arguing, but I know he enjoys it. Please help me find a common path with my husband. I have no strength left to fight
Dear, do not quarrel: Some couples enjoy arguing as a form of foreplay. If you haven't told your husband what you said to me, it's important that you do.
Since “arguing” has been an established pattern in your marital relationship, you may need a licensed marriage and family therapist to get your point across, as your spouse may be having difficulty adjusting to the change in the way you communicate.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
