DEAR ABBY: I can’t understand why my mom kept the last name of her ex-husband (my stepfather), who sexually abused me and my sister as children. She knew all about it after I broke down and told her when I was 10. She stayed married to him for years afterward, with my sister and me in the house. Keeping that monster away from me was hell on earth.
Mom now has dementia, and I take good care of her. I made sure I had a good, healthy life and relationships, and also made sure to protect my child from abuse. I’m trying to not be angry, sad and damaged. I don’t live every day thinking about it. Am I too sensitive? — SURVIVOR IN INDIANA
DEAR SURVIVOR: Too sensitive? I don’t think so. Considering the circumstances, your feelings are normal. I admire you for stepping up and making sure that your mother is well taken care of in spite of the fact that she didn’t do that for you.
As a victim of sexual abuse, you should have received counseling years ago. If that didn’t happen, it could benefit you greatly to get some now. A place to find what you need would be RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline, which can be reached online at rainn.org or by calling (toll-free) 800-656-4673.
DEAR ABBY: Should I be mad at the father of my unborn child for not coming with me to travel out of the country? My cousin is being married in Mexico. However, my partner, “Gabriel,” isn’t going because one of his good friends is getting married the same weekend.
We found out only recently that I am pregnant, and by the time my cousin’s wedding comes around, I’ll be five months along. My family will be going, but they already booked their flights, which are now sold out, so I will have to travel pregnant and alone in Mexico.
The night I found out I was pregnant, Gabriel told me he would go with me, as he didn’t want the mother of his unborn child to travel alone to a different country. However, as the wedding got closer, he said he no longer wants to go, as it will be expensive and he’d miss his friend’s wedding.
Abby, am I wrong for being upset that he doesn’t want to come with me? I think I’m more disappointed because I assumed he’d want to be protective in this situation, but it almost feels like he’s choosing his friend over us. I know I am biased and my emotions are high, but I really want to be level-headed about this and try to understand. — EXPECTANT TRAVELER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TRAVELER: Forgive me if this seems harsh, but what you should understand is your partner is self-centered and more concerned with the good time he will have with his buddy than he is about the soon-to-be mother of his child. This should be an indication of the kind of husband and father he may make if you plan to marry him.
That said, if your doctor says you are OK to travel, your family will be around to keep an eye on you, so you shouldn’t be in danger. The independence you demonstrate now may be necessary in whatever future you have with — or without — your partner.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
