There’s a lot of uncertainty in parenting in 2024, due to the abundance of information out there, but one thing is certain: you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.
A study has come out this week Advising parents not to use “good girl/boy” when praising their kids, and…that’s it. My work is officially done.
No disrespect to researchers and experts, but that’s enough. stop it now. Thank you.
“Self-esteem and identity issues may increase”
Here’s the gist of what’s going on experts say,
Don’t say “good girl” or “good boy”, as this can raise issues related to gender identity and self-esteem.
Apparently this doesn’t really give kids clear feedback on what they did to earn such praise.
Because of that old self-esteem chestnut mentioned earlier, don’t bask in the praise.
But don’t overdo it, lest your child become narcissistic.
Recent research suggests that increased praise – that is, the use of words like “incredible”, “wonderful”, and “amazing”, may promote narcissistic qualities in children by creating an unrealistic feeling about their own ability.
Frequent praise is also a ‘no-no’ and may mean that children unconsciously feel that they are doing working for adult approvalInstead of for yourself.
Experts say this could be bad for self-regulation and sense of identity.
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So do we give kids the silent treatment??
“Process appreciation” is apparently what we’re aiming for.
It is informative, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies to achieve results.
In other words, you want to say to your child, “I can see you worked very hard at that athletics meet, Jimmy,” rather than, “You’re a winner, son!”
This is how I was praised in the 90s
Remembering my childhood, I wonder if my mom and dad thought about how they praised me?
All I know is that if I had been hugged at a Shehnai recital or a school carnival, which I had last attended, that would have been enough for me.
Even if there was a “Well done, honey” afterwards – well, it would have been icing on the cake.
Frankly, I think in many ways, the parents of our generation are holding an ax to our backs. Overthinking things. Making things overly complicated. And the bigger picture is missing.
There’s no doubt that praise reinforces positive behavior – psychologists told us this as far back as the 1950s, and we see it firsthand in our own home.
When my son does something for his little sisters, the first thing I say is, “So thoughtful, dear.”
Or when my daughter draws something amazing for me, of course I want to make her feel accepted and special by saying, “Wow – that’s beautiful, baby!”
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What I don’t want to do is overanalyze the language that I use when I say those things.
I wonder… have I praised you as much as I should, Fatboy Slim-Style?
And what kind of subliminal messages have I communicated through that praise?
To me, praising your kids is not a scientific measurement with the right dose of
Saying kind words to your children is a simple thing that comes from the heart. End of story.
