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I repeatedly had a dream in which I was sitting on my mat waiting for instructions from a panel of my yoga teachers. I’m in an Iyengar yoga evaluation, which I’m completely unprepared for. And I am scared. After what seemed like an eternity, he told me my assignment: I had to carve a Thanksgiving turkey on my mat using the props in front of me – a plastic fork and knife.
It’s possible that I have some anxiety about cooking holiday dinner.
From my best memory to my fear of failure
I can still smell my mom’s kitchen on Thanksgiving morning. The aroma of her homemade dumplings and the turkey roasting in the oven created an air of anticipation that could be felt throughout the house. My sister and I would wear pajamas and watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV, and from time to time I would be called into the kitchen to help my mother stir the pot or ladle the bowl. The whole day was spent waiting for the moment when we were called to the table. By the time dinner was ready, we were practically giddy as we loaded our plates with my mother’s delicious food at the most awaited meal of the year.
Now that the torch of cooking the family holiday dinner has passed to me, my anticipation has turned to recurring anxiety about living up to the memories of all those Thanksgivings past. One year, the turkey wasn’t fully cooked, the side dishes were cold, and I sat down at the table feeling completely defeated. The pressure to replicate the magic of my childhood memories and the fear of failing really do prove to be the perfect recipe for bad times.
Whether in the kitchen or on the yoga mat, fear is like a big bucket of ice thrown on the spark of adventure. Fear leaves us either so in our own minds that we can’t access our inherent creativity and intuition – or so paralyzing that we convince ourselves that we’re not capable of even trying. Fear lulls us into a place of complacency, inviting us to avoid what scares us in favor of remaining comfortable in our familiar beliefs. Fear keeps us from making mistakes and gaining the kind of knowledge that only comes from taking risks.
How yoga changed my holiday stress
Patanjali’s classic text, the yoga sutraProvides many tools to help manage fear. The most important of them are the principles of practice and army unitPractice, as explained in Sutra 1.14, involves three aspects: We must practice for a long time, without interruption, and with complete seriousness. This last means that we have to believe that what we are practicing is actually possible.
Sutras 1.15 and 1.16 describe vairagya, which essentially means that our identity is not dependent on our successes or failures. This knowledge leads to freedom and real connection present moment,
To practice—to perform consistently in the face of actual or potential failure—is to trust that the process is the goal. Ultimately, it’s the intention behind my cooking, the effort I put into the food, and the heart I put into each dish that will make the meal a success.
Even a failed attempt to cook Thanksgiving dinner is an opportunity to practice detachment. One year, my apple pie broke and I had no backup plan and a table full of guests waiting for dessert. I had to abandon my original plan and quickly adapt to the new situation. So I decided to scoop out the apple filling and spoon it over some vanilla ice cream. No one knew the difference; In fact, it was a huge hit!
This is often when things fall apart and I realize how much I have limited myself to my own expectations. It is often in those moments that you discover your own resilience and experience a true connection with that moment. Opening myself up to life often brings something I couldn’t have imagined. And some of my best memories are of those times when nothing went according to plan – when I was forced to surrender.
How to Make Thanksgiving Less Stressful
Once I remembered that the truth of who I am doesn’t depend on whether I prepare flawless meals, I felt more at ease. Now I know how to beat the holiday stress because I’ve realized that cooking dinner in the kitchen is like showing up on the yoga mat.
1. Connect with your inner state
Bring your yoga practice into the kitchen by being mindful of how you feel when creating your Thanksgiving menu. Anxiety, doubt and fear can all be felt in the body and are signs that you need to reevaluate your approach. Focus your attention on the process of executing a task that you can manage to the best of your abilities.
Taking risks in the kitchen is about listening to the inspirations that drive your efforts. If I’m considering a challenging recipe, like apple pie with made-from-scratch pastry, and I can feel myself getting excited about the process, I choose it. I know that no matter how it turns out, it will be worth it because it was my commitment to the adventure, not the outcome, that inspired me to become an adventurer in the first place.
On the other hand, if I approach the recipe with fear or expectation, or if I’m hoping that the finished product will prove something to me or to others, I know that it won’t matter how it turns out. Yes, I will not get the fruits of my efforts.
2. Focus on the journey—not the outcome
When you can’t do a challenging pose in yoga, the practice is to focus on and appreciate what you can do. Rushing toward the end result will get you nowhere. And if you somehow get to the “end goal” by doing this, you will miss the point because you were not engaged with yourself in the process.
It matters how you feel during yoga practice—not how you look. Cooking is similar: the value of a dish depends on how it is prepared.
3. You are allowed to change your mind
Let go of your expectation that you need to cook a great meal just because it’s Thanksgiving. In fact. This mindset can free you from the harm of self-inflicted suffering.
It’s okay to abandon a challenging recipe if it doesn’t feel right. I’ve learned to ease myself over the years by replacing difficult, time-consuming recipes with simple, foolproof recipes like these incredible, crunchy roasted Brussels sprouts with maple syrup and balsamic vinegar. (They take about five minutes to prepare before putting them in the oven.)
4. Follow your intuition
Cooking, like yoga, is about connecting with yourself in the moment. Postural cues like “Stand on all four corners of your feet evenly” are only useful if you can feel them in your body. Similarly, a recipe is only a guideline. Great cooking happens when you listen to your gut, trust your intuition and make the recipe your own. Follow the instructions as a starting point, but allow yourself to experiment, play, and have fun.
I’m not nervous anymore because I now know how to make Thanksgiving less stressful. No matter how the food is prepared, the people who matter most in my life will celebrate the love and effort I put into our shared experience. What I will remember most is the attitude I chose to bring to the kitchen and the knowledge I will leave it with.
This article has been updated. Originally published October 2, 2013.
