It’s often said that there’s a thin line between love and hate, but is it okay to hate your long-term partner sometimes? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s practically essential.
Asked about the secret of her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said it involved patience, perseverance and a “really good dose of hate.”
“Suddenly you really want to hate each other. And then the next day, it’s a beautiful, sunny day, and the dog does something cute or your kid does something cute, and you look at each other and say, ‘Oh my God,'” Curtis told Entertainment Tonight. Receiving an Emmy Award for his role in “The Bear”. “And you’re on the other side.”
Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience real hate-like moments.
The difference between couples who survive and those who don’t may lie in how they handle their emotions in those moments.
Marriage and Family Therapist and “Am I Lying to Myself?” Jane Greer, author of , said, “Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world.” How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth.” “We think we’re supposed to love our partner unconditionally all the time, but it doesn’t work that way.”
Yes, you should ‘sweat the small stuff’
Stereotypical annoyances like leaving the toilet seat up or cluttering the floor with shoes go unnoticed, said Terry Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of “Five Simple Steps to Taking Your Marriage from Good to Great.” When left, it accumulates.
To prevent pet irritation from becoming a big problem, it’s important to “pay attention to the little things,” said Orbuch, who has followed hundreds of couples over the course of 36 years in his research.
“What starts as a small, annoying habit becomes, ‘You’re not listening to me. You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not right for each other, and I hate you,” she said.
However, criticizing an issue at this time is not the best approach, Orbach said.
Find a good time and situation to discuss this: away from the kids and not right after work, right before you leave for the day, or while you’re tired in bed.
be specific
Orbuch recommended starting the discussion with positivity, then using what he called XYZ statements.
For example, give examples that show you know they are a great partner overall, such as being a wonderful friend or being good to their mother.
Then, follow this: When you do
Then follow up with: “Can we talk about it?”
Calling out a specific behavior helps your spouse or partner deal with the problem better than accusing them of having a character flaw, such as, “You’re so dirty.”
“We lock the person in a situation where they don’t know what to say or what to change to reduce the frustration,” Orbach said.
Highlight loving moments when possible
Greer said a great way to help hate moments go by faster is to build a reservoir of positive emotions.
Pay attention not only to the aspects of your partner that you love, but also to why they make you feel good.
For example, if your partner gives you flowers, instead of just thanking them, tell them how you felt when you received them.
Saying you appreciate the flowers because it shows they heard something you needed helps reinforce those positive feelings, she said.
“When you’re feeling love, it’s important to label it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a loving moment with you.'”
