Even eager beavers can learn not to give a dam.
Dr. Daniel Amen, a California-based double board-certified psychiatrist and brain-imaging researcher, is sharing how to stop being a people pleaser — and what to do if someone requests your help.
“I’ve had this problem my whole life,” Amen confessed in a TikTok last month about being a people pleaser. “I am the middle [child] — third of seven children. I was completely irrelevant. Middle children often are peacemakers because we get it from the older ones, and the younger ones are favored.”
People pleasers tend to support others at the expense of their own needs because they need to be liked, they are afraid of disappointing others or of being rejected, they have low self-esteem or they are perfectionists.
Psychology Today’s 10 signs that you’re a people pleaser include an inability to say no, a tendency to apologize and an avoidance of conflict at all costs.
In his 77-second clip, Amen instructed his 2.7 million TikTok followers to keep his 18-40-60 rule in mind.
“When you’re 18, you worry about what everybody’s thinking of you,” Amen explained. “When you’re 40, you don’t give a damn what anybody thinks about you. And when you’re 60, you realize nobody’s been thinking about you at all.”
He emphasized that people worry and think about themselves — not others.
He recommends that if someone approaches you with a request, you consider what you want and if the appeal is in your best interest.
“Rather than just say yes because you’re a people pleaser, go, ‘Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you,’” Amen advised. “And in your mind, go, ‘Does this fit the goals I have for my life?’ And if it does, do it. And if it doesn’t, just say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t do it.’”
49% of US adults identified as people pleasers in a 2022 YouGov survey — women called themselves people pleasers more often than men (56% to 42%).
A Harvard-trained clinical psychologist warned CNBC last year that people pleasers are at high risk of burnout at work.
“When you are constantly putting other people’s needs before your own, it becomes that much harder to focus on your work and advance in your career,” said Debbie Sorensen, who has a private therapy practice in Denver.
