The next morning, I woke up with a hangover from all the hangovers. (Note to self: Having “casual” drinks with an ex-boyfriend is never a wise idea. Ouch.)
It contained all the earnings of a day wasted in bed. Headaches (tics), fatigue (tics), and a strange feeling of excitement (tics).
This last point was further reinforced by a message from an ex-boyfriend who said, “You looked so hot last night.”
Good morning, libido.
As I lay there in a cloud of disgusting thoughts, a brief question came to mind: Am I the only one who gets ridiculously aroused in the morning after too many cocktails?
Later that afternoon, I drank the elixir of life (a Bloody Mary) in a dark pub with friends and started asking around. Turns out I wasn't the only one experiencing this “hangover horn.”
I wrongly assumed it was just men (and, for some reason, me too) who felt it the next day.
A little biased, I know, but let's be honest – people can be in the middle of a fight and still be ready for it if you gave them the old wink and nod.
So I'm glad to know that my female friends also find the hangover horn to be a normal occurrence after a big night out. Indeed, the results were 100 percent yes.
A friend admitted that hangovers cause her orgasms to be more intense. Huh, me too.
Another friend joked that it was his body telling him he was dying and that he had to reproduce quickly to avoid extinction. I mean, dramatic but practical.
Curious about this phenomenon, I delved a little deeper into the science. It turns out that research supports my experience. Huzzah – turns out we're all hangover hornbags.
But before we get to the scientific reasoning, let me tell you my theory.
I think we might be feeling crazy because the sexual excitement from last night was still intact. The night we practically gave ourselves blue balls (can girls have blue balls?) in which we participated in an outrageous amount of flirting without any follow-through. We all get excited and nervous due to the back and forth, flirty glances and repeating sarcastic remarks.
However, science says that one of the main reasons we feel this way is dopamine. Yes, that peppy little neurotransmitter is responsible for pleasure and motivation.
When we drink too much alcohol, we deplete our body's dopamine stores, and the next morning, we find ourselves frantically trying to get it back to healthy levels.
Our bodies send the message that sex equals dopamine, so why not give it a try? A bruised, bruised body.
The second reason is that our cortisol levels are at their peak. This hormone regulates our stress response and plays a big role in the “sadness” we feel the next day. When our cortisol levels are high (thanks, alcohol), we feel so anxious that we'll do anything to distract ourselves from bad thoughts, and what could be a better distraction than sex? Therefore there is an urgent need for this.
Finally, we may be experiencing the “hangover horn” because last night's alcohol may still be in our system, causing us to feel more sexually aroused.
Anyone who has woken up next to someone they really shouldn't have slept with knows this all too well.
So sure, a Hydralite, an aspirin or a Bloody Mary might help in the short term, but what if a nice roll in the hay becomes the ultimate hangover cure?
This week's to-do list is as follows: Find a lover (or unbox a vibrator). Because no one should have to suffer through another hangover without an orgasm. No one
To be honest, Gandhi got nothing from my advice.
Jana Hawking is a columnist and collector of a variety of boyfriends. @jana_hawking
