If three’s a crowd, they won’t admit it.
Some couples may opt for polyamory — a form of consensual non-monogamy that involves being in more than one relationship — but “tolyamory” is a much more common, yet lesser discussed, relationship style.
As explained by relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage, being “tolyamorous” means that a person is “willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage.” In the process, they instead “focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love” to somehow make the cheating “tolerable,” he says.
“These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied — they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got,” Savage said on an episode of his podcast. “They’re willing to put up with it — a certain amount of it — reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”
While polyamory is discussed and consented upon by both parties, tolyamory is not.
It’s a way of maintaining the relationship but not “endorsing” the non-monogamous behavior, Marie Thouin, a relationship coach, author and researcher, recently told HuffPost, adding that this kind of relationship is likely “common.”
It is, polyamory educator Leanne Yau told the outlet, “probably, unfortunately, the most common form of non-monogamy.”
Thouin pointed to high-profile couples like former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as examples. Fictional lovebirds like Cameron and Daphne, played by Theo James and Meghann Fahy in “White Lotus,” are also a prime example of “tolyamory.” The pair had extramarital affairs with other partners, and while they both knew, they didn’t raise any concerns.
The relationship coach said that some people may not think monogamy is realistic or possible, acknowledging that infidelity is a likelihood, “but it needs to be kept discreet in order for people to save face, and maintain the public appearance of monogamy.”
In a way, Yau noted, it preserves the person’s innocence if they pretend it isn’t happening.
“Furthermore, societies where gender equality is less advanced tend to have dual standards when it comes to these expectations: Women are expected to tolerate their husbands’ infidelity while remaining monogamous,” Thouin said.
If a person is financially dependent on the partner who is engaging in other relationships, this may make them more likely to tolerate the behavior as well, she noted.
However, more “socially progressive societies” are “closing the ‘infidelity gap,’” Thouin added, giving either person an “equal chance” at ending up in a “tolyamorous dynamic.”
“People depend on one another for mutual care, financial security and emotional safety,” Thouin continued. “And even when power dynamics are on the healthy, egalitarian side, leaving relationships is often very costly — materially and personally.”
