George Clooney and Brad Pitt publicly expressed outrage when Apple moved the release of their new film “Wolves,” for which they had been paid millions, from theaters to streaming.
“It's very disappointing,” Clooney lamented at the Venice Film Festival when asked about his salary, sorry, his movie.
In fact, the pair should send an Edible Arrangement to Apple CEO Tim Cook so they can avoid the embarrassment of this massive flop.
“Wolves,” a so-called comedy written and directed by Jon Watts in which Clooney and Pitt play rival New York fixers tasked with secretly disposing of a dead body, is a grim, laugh-free film that tests what kind of disaster star power alone can salvage.
Brad and George's A-list appearances can't hide their elementary school-sounding dialogue, hackneyed accents, and dollar-store aesthetic. In fact, their attachment to this composter only exacerbates many of its problems.
Boldface names indicate a certain level of quality – or, at least, competence – which this movie does not have. Perhaps I would have been more forgiving if this buddy-cop romp had Stephen and Billy Baldwin in the lead roles. Alas.
As it is, seeing the unhappy “wolves” will make you feel angry and nervous rather than screaming.
Watts' 108-minute yawn begins with a woman's scream. It's Margaret (Amy Ryan), and she's found a naked, dead body in a plush hotel room.
Covered in the young man's blood, Marge pulled down the curtains and, trembling, picked up her iPhone. Apple, which is trying to make lemonade from its lemons, can at least sell some mobile devices.
“I was told to call this number if I ever needed serious help. There's only one man in town who can help you,” she says.
In comes Clooney, dressed in black, whose character has no name or, you know, no attributes. He puts on rubber gloves and prepares to make the harmful situation disappear.
But it turns out he's not the only man. A few minutes later, a depressed Pitt knocks on the door.
His character is hired by the hotel's owner, a disembodied voice, to accomplish exactly that, since it turns out Barbara is a powerful district attorney who slept with the dead man, and the owner doesn't want his business tarnished by the scandal.
(Every New Yorker knows that high-profile crimes actually make places more attractive. Ask Sparks Steak House.)
The two shady fixers have never met or even known each other, but for some unexplained reason they instantly hate each other. And that, readers, is the only joke in this entire movie: anything Brad can do, George can do better.
Watts, whose “Spider-Man” movies for Sony are hilarious, has broken age-old comedy rules by giving both Pitt and Clooney straight-man roles.
So, we grimace when two smug, depressed, apathetic people talk so robotically as if they were in a biopic called “Siri.”
Two extremely dull men being silently annoyed with each other is not humorous in the world. What's funny is how much product is in their mummified hair.
Between Clooney and Pitt’s collaboration, I’d love to rewatch “Ocean’s 12” soon.
“Wolves” features the only actor still awake, the talented Austin Abrams, who plays the Kid. Curious and inquisitive, he accompanies George and Brad on their frustrating tour of New York's underbelly.
But as soon as the focus shifts back to the two big movie stars, our eyes glaze over. They talk blithely about Croatian and Albanian crime syndicates and get into an impressively boring shootout, all while always being totally incredible in their roles.
The only virtue of releasing “Wolves” straight to streaming is that viewers can switch to “Ocean’s Eleven” after the first five minutes with incredible ease.
