Dear Abby: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a short battle with cancer. His daughter, my niece, was going to get married later this year. They are struggling with money problems and my brother-in-law’s death has made the situation even more serious. To help, my wife and I quietly gave them $1,000 for my niece’s shower so they could put it somewhere nice. My sister was appreciative, but unfortunately we didn’t hear anything from our niece.
Fast forward a few months and now the wedding has been cancelled. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and they told me they booked another cruise. There has been no mention of returning our $1,000. My wife is becoming increasingly frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, which will cause family discord. Although I agree that the money should be returned, I would rather forgive it than create a mess. I would love to hear your perspective. , formerly liberal
Dear Generous: My view is that as far as your sister and her daughter are concerned, you should keep your wallet firmly closed. The money is gone, and you are right that raising this issue will create ill will. Your generosity should have been acknowledged, and when the wedding was cancelled, your money should have been refunded instead of being put towards a mother/daughter holiday. If your niece manages to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a “wedding gift.”
Dear Abby: Our family is reunited for the first time since my mother and father left. We three brothers are now the oldest generation. My elder brother is planning the event. They’re inviting my ex-wife of 21 years, but not the ex-wives of my three nephews. This is troubling me and my wife of 20 years.
I strongly feel that when you marry, you marry into the family, and when you divorce, you divorce “out” of the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law have remained close friends since our divorce and she left my current wife.
Should we be disappointed by the invitation? If my ex comes over, shouldn’t we attend? One brother says he is still “part of the family” and should be included. My wife and I are angry. Who is here? , party pooper in iowa
Dear Party Pooper: Did your parents include your ex-wife at the last family reunion? If they did, I can understand why they would be welcome here. However, if they didn’t, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your siblings’ wives have left your wife of 20 years.
That said, not all divorces are the same. Few former couples manage amicable separations, and you cannot and should not dictate who your relatives wish to maintain a relationship with. If you and your wife would feel more comfortable skipping the reunion, I wouldn’t blame you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jean Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
